I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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