Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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