My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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