God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
