You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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