Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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