tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
