i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I want to be your penis for a week.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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