chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize