He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
