Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
