well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
