I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
