i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
