I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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