dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
