The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
