Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
