omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You don't make any sense
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