but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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