Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
