she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
