I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
