there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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