Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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