Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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