Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
