if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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