Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
