I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize