I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
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