I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
