you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
