took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
