she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
