If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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