Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Randomize
