I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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