i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
