member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
