I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
