Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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