3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
