what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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