omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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