if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
