A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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