I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Randomize
