Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
