Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
