I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Randomize