Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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