don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
