3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
