last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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