I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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