I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
