to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
