I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
