When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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